00040: First Crush?

I got my heart broken when I was a kid. I was in elementary school maybe in third of fourth grade. I don’t know; I don’t remember. My older sister had a best friend who used to come over the house all the time. In my eyes, this friend was a very beautiful woman. She always looked very happy and she was also very nice to me. Every time she came over the house, she brought me a small present, like a lollipop or a small toy, and she always pinched my cheeks. Needless to say, every time she came over to visit, I was a very happy kid.

On one occasion, the family had a celebration. I don’t remember what we were celebrating but I know it was something important because everyone wore their Sunday’s best. The celebration was not only for the family, it extended to friends and acquaintances. And so, my older sister’s friend arrived, but this time she was not alone. She arrived with a friend, a male friend. I didn’t think anything of it. I say hi and continue with my childish life.

Late at the celebration, once the cake have been cut and distributed to people, I was eating my cake at the table deserved for the family. I think it was the main table because it was front and center of everything. By now, people were dancing and people were far more relaxed than how they’ve been all day long.

At some point, the live music band played a slow song. Again, I didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t until I saw my older sister’s best friend dancing with her male friend that it downed on me. “Maybe they’re boyfriends,” I thought. But I allowed the thought to go away. Unfortunately, for my heart, that was also the moment when I look at the couple dancing and saw how my older sister’s best friend was not only dancing with her male friend, they were also kissing.

All I remember feeling was a sharp pain in my chest and I started to cry. I remember I was inconsolable and I did not allow anyone to come close to me. I was taken home and at some point I felt asleep.

The next day everything seemed to be fine until we have to walk from the house to the bus stop where my older sister’s friend and her male date were about to take the bus back to their homes. I remember all through the walk, from the house to the bus stop, feeling this sadness and helplessness because whether I like it or not, my older sister’s best friend had someone else. Once they got in the bus, I felt empty, hopeless, and very sad. My older sister noticed my mood so she took me for ice cream.

I don’t know if my older sister and her best friend ever knew what I went through that evening at the party. What I know is that after that, my older sister’s best friend’s visits were never as exciting to me as before. And while I don’t remember anything about my older sister’s best friend, I still remember the excitement I used to feel when she came to visit and also the pain I felt when I saw her kissing that man. Now, could that be the reason why I’m gay? NOT! #carlosmanuelspeaksthetruth

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