00046: Emotional Burden

Masking

The last couple of weeks have been very emotionally tough. As I said in one of my earlier posts, I use writing as a tool to deal with my feelings. Yet, I have not written much about the burden I’ve been feeling lately.

There are reasons, some which are the logical way I deal with emotional trauma. Others which are mechanism I used to keep me strong in order to help those who I think need more emotional support than me. “Don’t let them see you cry.” “Don’t allow your emotions betray you.” “Speak with a neutral tone.” “Take deep breaths and smile, always smile.” And so, I continue with life carrying a burden that I feel on my upper back and my shoulders.

For the last three weeks I’ve been dealing with a lot, and all of it related to COVID19. I’ve tried to keep everything in containment because this matters are not only difficult to handle but also very, very personal. Even at this moment, at this very instant while typing these words, I’m still trying to figure out how to express myself without offending and/or “throwing anyone under the bus.” It seems to me that I don’t want to bother anyone with my own emotions and it isn’t easy to contain, people, not easy at all. Ironically, there is a blog post on Psychology Today written by Dr. Susy Ferrarello that has exactly the title of what I just said: “I Don’t Want to Bother Anyone with my Own Emotions.”

My body is so tense that my muscles hurt without doing any exercise. Mind you, I do walk two miles and do some body weight training at least four times a week. The point here is that my body hurts a lot and it isn’t because of the physical exercise. My shoulders are tense, for example. My upper back (especially the sides) feel very tight and bruised, as if someone had punched me several times over. And because of the emotional burden I’m dealing with, I feel like sleeping all the time.

So yes, I’m dealing with a lot and while I’m not putting a wall to keep my feelings in the inside, I’m refusing to let any guard down because I’m afraid I’m going to stumble; I’m going to fall, I’m going to crack, and finally I’m going to break down. But this shall not come to pass. And this post is proof of my willingness to deal with my emotional burden, which I see as a negative force that keeps growing and threatens to eliminate me. But as Gandalf The Grey said, “You Shall Not Pass!” And by fighting against the beast, he sacrificed himself only to return as Gandalf the White. #carlosmanuelspeksthetruth.

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